ANSWER:
For a couple, put your relationship first. Stress can affect the most
solid relationships. Families like yours, with a troubled child, have a higher
divorce rate than the general population, 50% higher. Coping with your child
will bring out any and all relationship issues that may have been manageable
under normal circumstances. If your relationship is falling apart, and it was
mostly healthy before this period of stress, then it must be a priority over the
child for now. Get counseling, if not together than singly. Or ask for help from
supportive friends–prayers, cheerleading, or the opportunity to vent. Partners
must stand by each other and present a solid front as the family leaders. This
is just as important for your child as it is for you. Let this draw you closer
together rather than pull you apart.
Stand strong, shoulder-to-shoulder. When you disagree, together make a
list of the things you agree on and worry about the disagreements later. This
list should include:
o A focus on your respective strong points and your child’s strong points.
o A rule never to argue in front of the children (or, a rule how and where to
argue).
o An agreed-upon role for each parent, which is something that they’re good at.
When one parent is competent at handling a specific challenge, the other steps
back, and vice versa.
o Taking turns managing the household for a period while the other takes a
break.
o Setting aside personal feelings to co-manage one specific little problem at a
time, a problem you both agree on.
A true story with names changed: Susan and her daughter Pam were constantly
fighting over who hurt who the most by what each said. Jason, the husband and
father, was frustrated by these conflicts, but avoided interfering because he
knew he’d upset both his wife and daughter. Yet Jason was always able to calm
Pam down quickly because their relationship was different. One day, Jason took
his wife aside and asked that they try something. He suggested that Susan step
back from certain daily interactions with Pam, those which always ended in
fights, and let him do the communicating. Susan did not like the idea that Pam
had “won” by getting all of her dad’s attention, nor did she like the
implication she couldn’t handle their daughter! But Jason came up with idea that
if he saw Susan and Pam slipping into a fight, he would use a code phrase, like
“Hey dear, can you help me find the _____?”, and Susan would catch herself, save
face by stepping out to look for the ____, and let Dad take over. This worked
wonders rather quickly. Nothing was ever discussed openly, but after a few
weeks, both mother and daughter started to catch themselves starting a fight,
and one or both would find some reason to step away from the situation.
2 Comments
October 31, 2008 at 5:41 am
Hi Shelly,
This is a great question, especially this time of year. I looked at the website of backgroundchecks.com, and I agree, there are very common sense ideas about safe trick or treating (and your comment about healthsafety is a good reason to be cautious too).
Some of the precautions that backgroundchecks suggested, in my opinion, did go overboard, such as the one about checking if drivers have moving violations. Heck, most drivers have had at least one of these in their lifetime. You know, stepping on the gas to get through the yellow light before it turns red, not making it, and a cop is right there. If your husband is worried about this, can he offer to drive?
The other suggestion that seemed overboard to me was this one: “If there is a house on the street that has a “No Candy Here” sign posted, find out why.” Huh? Is that a problem, and is that everyone’s business? What if they don’t want the fuss of answering the door?
One thing I DO encourage is finding out who the registered sex offenders are in your neighborhood. This is easy for your husband to do this himself without paying for another service. The reason to know about sex offenders is not about Halloween safety. An untreatable sex offender (not all are untreatable) will keep track of people in the neighborhood and note their vulnerabilities. This could be kids or adults.
I believe your husband should do whatever makes him feel most comfortable, because he needs to feel his kids are safe. So, encourage him to check out sex offenders, and to accompany the children when they go out. He shouldn’t have to feel so stressed about Halloween, nor share this stress with your children. (Your kids must learn to be streetwise someday, but are they ready for this now? You didn’t say how old they were.) If there’s an optional Halloween event, such as a church party, go there instead. Your kids can be taught that Halloween is celebrated many ways, and door-to-door trick-or-treating is not the only way.
Be a concerned mom (and dad), but balance this with showing strength and confidence. Your children need to see and know that you’re good at what you do!
Take care,
Margaret
October 30, 2008 at 10:41 pm
What’s everyone doing for safety precautions for Halloween? My husband came across an article (http://i-newswire.com/pr220892.html) with some info about background checking neighbors. I thought that may be a little overboard but it had some other good suggestions for some precautions I haven’t thought about. Last year my youngest son came down with a massive fever after Halloween. I almost thought about just taking the kids to our church’s fall festival this year instead of door-to-door to prevent that from happening again. I don’t know yet. What’s your advice? Am I over-reacted or just being a concerned mom?