What to do when they stop listening

You don't have to feel this frustrated.

At some point in their development, all kids stop listening. It’s frustrating for parents but perfectly normal. There is good advice out there for getting normal children and teens to listen, or at least follow the rules and directions given by the parent.

But it’s different when your child has a serious emotional or mental disturbance, and when their behaviors are extreme or outright risky. At times, your priority may not be getting them to do homework or chores but preventing destructive behavior and family chaos. Your priority may need to be protecting them from themselves when they hate you, blame you, or are willing to take extreme risks. Then who cares about the dishes?

First things first, avoid upsetting yourself.

Avoid repeating things over and over, raising your voice, or expressing your frustration. It really matters. For parents with seriously troubled kids like yours, craziness is a ‘normal’ situation. Be good to yourself when you try to assert the rules. Children and teens with disturbances (adults too) abandon reality often and are not mentally or attentionally present. Emotions are usually the cause: depression, anxiety, rage, or intense frustration, and it is pointless to expect them to listen. They can’t even hear you. Your child or teen is so overwhelmed by emotions or sensations that they may not even feel pain. In fact, children who cut themselves use pain (and the endorphins and adrenalin) as a distraction from intolerable feelings.

But what if they are refusing to listen?  That’s a different issue.  They ARE listening, and they are definitely communicating back to you.  This situation is about resistance and defiance.  (see Managing resistance – tips and advice )

Things to do when they stop listening

Use technology: texting and email.

This mother should be texting her daughter instead

This approach is so simple and so effective that therapists encourage high-conflict parent-teen pairs to communicate exclusively using email and texts, even if the parties are in close proximity, like at home together! Think about this. You are using their chosen medium; you can keep it brief and concise; both you and your child have time to reflect on your response. Your conversation is documented, right there for both of you to track. No one is screaming or repeating themselves.

Word of caution
Watch what you write. Don’t use emotionally charged words or tone. Be sure to read texts and emails over and over before sending! “The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 2006 revealed that studies show e-mail messages are interpreted incorrectly 50% of the time.” Email is so fraught with risk that businesses will use software that flags words or phrases that may convey unintended emotion or tone.

Move somewhere closer or farther, change your body language
Instead of communicating with your voice, use your body. For some children and teens, an arm around their shoulders calms the wild beast. Standing calmly and quietly without arms folded can work. Or try putting some distance between you and your child’s personal space, even if it means stopping and getting out of the car and taking a short walk. Experiment to see what works for your situation.

Use a third party
Maybe you are the wrong person to carry the message and settle a tense situation. Don’t be too proud to admit that, for whatever reason, your child will not listen to you no matter how appropriately you modify your approach. So use a substitute or third-party. Is there another person who has a better rapport and can convince your child to complete a chore, do homework, leave little sister alone—a spouse, a grandparent, a teacher or counselor, a therapist? What about a friendly animal, live or stuffed? For young children, you can bring out Kitty and ask her to tell Joey that mommy and daddy only want him to do this one simple chore.

Draw a picture, make a sign

As a young child, I recall my parents hounding me for something, I don’t even remember what, and asking in exasperation, “What do you want me to do, draw a picture?” Well, yes in fact, I understood pictures and they didn’t frighten me as much as my parents yelling at me. Think about putting pictures or signs up where the family can see them, so your troubled child won’t feel singled out.  Smiley faces can be obnoxious, so maybe a funny comic gets a point across in a non-threatening way.  Some other sign ideas: “It’s OK to be Angry, not Mean,” “STOP and THINK,” “Our family values Respect and Kindness,” “This is a smoke-free, drug-free, and a-hole free home.”

Time outs for you.
Take your own sweet time to calm down and think things through when you’re challenged by the offspring. Consider how you’ll respond to swearing. Put them on hold. Don’t return texts or email right away, “I’m busy and I’ll reply in 30 minutes.” Be specific on time, then follow through, or they might learn to blow you off with the same casual phrase, expecting you to forget. 

A Precaution

Watch your tone of voice
From infancy, we are wired to pick up emotions in the voice—your tone is very powerful and can be healing or destructive. Think about asserting strength and caring in your voice without lecturing. Be assertive but forgiving. Be firm and not defensive. Don’t get caught apologizing for upsetting your child or justifying your rules. 90% of parents know the right thing to say, but its common to say it the wrong way.

Is your child bullying you with their behavior?
I’ve observed troubled offspring outright abuse their parent verbally. This is not communicating and not negotiable. You have options for standing up to this without making things worse. Temporarily block their email or calls, or ignore and let them go to voicemail. Declare bullying unacceptable. Pull rank and apply a consequence. You cannot let their harassment continue because they will use it on others.

Reinterpret that mean-spirited voicemail or email.
When you get an ugly message, tell yourself you are hearing from a scared frightened person, and you’re the one whose feelings they care about the most. See this as a good thing. They are trying to communicate but it’s mangled and inappropriate. Remember: contact and engagement with you is good even if its negative. When a disturbed child stops communicating is when you must worry.  It hurts, but your hurt will pass.  You can handle it.  They will still love you , and some day they will show you, but be patient.

If the things they communicate hurt.
It is best that you take your feelings out of the picture and seek other sources of affirmation and support—this can’t come from your child. If they write “I hate you,” maybe they are really saying “you make me mad because you are asking me to do something I can’t handle now.”

Good luck out there,

–Margaret

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